BP Impact = 10
Transformational Impact = 10+
Carditone and Alcohol:
I had no noticeable side effects from taking Carditone while I was an active drinker.
High Blood Pressure and Alcohol:
When I learned of my high blood pressure, drinking was part of my daily routine. Almost invariably, a couple of drinks would be part of my evening repertoire and I wasn’t really open to giving it up.
My online research had supported my habit, stating that a couple of drinks a day was “good for you” and that it could assist in lowering blood pressure. I overlooked the part that said a couple of drinks a day for men could lower blood pressure, and no more than one a day for women. More than that however, could create the opposite effect and could actually raise your blood pressure.
Meanwhile, the most recent discoveries surrounding any benefits related to consuming alcohol was delivering bad news to the majority of the American drinking public; the number of drinks a day that was good for you was a big, fat, zero. This was news I hadn’t heard until more than a year after I’d had my last drink, and I’m not sure how much of a difference knowing this would have made had I learned it while I was still drinking.
To Drink or to Not Drink:
As long as I kept making good nutrition choices and kept up my exercise routine, it appeared that I could get away with drinking and still be able to keep my blood pressure under control. My days were long and exhausting and at the end of the day, I’d convinced myself that I’d earned the treat of the warm and comforting effects of alcohol. What I didn’t realize was that alcohol was robbing me of the warm and comforting effects of being real, and present, and clear. I also didn’t realize that this magic potion that I was also consuming to combat against the threat of approaching anxiety was actually causing it. It took me a minute to finally get it; and by the time I finally woke up, alcohol had already kicked my ass around the block about a hundred times.
Although I didn’t consume large quantities of alcohol; I didn’t knock off a 6 pack a night or down a 5th of whiskey a day, the manner in which I consumed it had many adverse effects on me that I wasn’t aware of. Because those couple of drinks would come at the end of the day, but before dinner, they hit me pretty hard. There were many mornings when it took me a while to remember the details of events or conversations the night before. I invariably fell asleep as soon as I sat on the couch. My emotional “pain body” would come out and play; wreaking havoc on an already fragile relationship, not to mention the harsh and self-condemning inner dialogue that would mercilessly taunt me, ceasing only for sleep, but there and ready to pounce the moment I opened my eyes the following morning.
The self-condemnation created anxiety for me. I would use alcohol to shut it up. Eventually, alcohol was no longer closing the loop for me, and I was caught in a place where self-medication no longer worked and in fact, it was exacerbating the problem. I don’t know if anxiety causes high blood pressure, but I know that worrying about high blood pressure causes anxiety. And, at least in my case, so did the booze. I think that anyone who is human and has been on the planet for at least a decade will have to deal with anxiety on some level somewhere along the way; so, I’m not saying that I never have any anxiety anymore. But I am saying that the longer I’m away from alcohol, the less frequently and intensely it arises.
I’d “decided” to quit many times before, but it was always a matter of “I’ll quit tomorrow, this is the last night.” Of course, the next day would come and it would be the same story. I was a mess the day I really decided to quit. Of course, it was after a night of having way too much alcohol. Although I hadn’t behaved poorly the night before, the self-talk in my head was relentless the next day. Now that I’m clear in my mind, I know that those beliefs of worthlessness and of being “a bad person” were lies, but at the time, it was brutal. And, on some level, I knew, that if I didn’t make a change, that being able to control my blood pressure was going to be pointless if I didn’t stop putting poison in my body on a daily basis. I wanted to live, and if I was going to do that, I knew that I had to put alcohol behind me. I was at the point where I didn’t even trust myself enough to know whether or not my resolve would carry me through. But with each passing day with no alcohol, I started feeling less and less anxious. I began to trust that I was done betraying myself; that I really was going to quit this time. The terrorist in my head started to go silent. Around day 10 I felt this strange sensation within me…… after thinking about it for a while, I realized that what I was feeling was joy. It had been such a long time since I’d felt that. I was immensely grateful.
I thought a little about the future; would I drink again? What were the risks if I did? Would it become a daily habit again? My first goal was to just make it through 90 days; maybe have a glass of wine with Christmas dinner. Christmas came and went and I realized that night that I hadn’t had any wine. I hadn’t even thought about it. I attended many social gatherings that had alcohol-a-plenty and I enjoyed my club soda and lime with no hankerings or feeling like I was missing out. “This is a gift,” I thought. I gave thanks every night that I didn’t drink that day, and I asked to be spared for the day to come. So far, so good, with 3 alcohol free years approaching. I still don’t know what the future holds; I don’t know if I’ll drink again. I am intentionally NOT thinking of this as a “I can’t ever drink again” thing; I think of it more as a “I’m not going to drink today” thing. It doesn’t take much to remember that morning that I’d decided to quit. To remember that alcohol was poisoning and killing me……to remember how absent I am when I drink….to remember the panic of what felt like a world crashing in on me…. to remember the shame….
To Not Drink:
There is a lot to be said about clarity. I would say that it is my drug of choice. It is lovely to have a conversation with someone in the evening and to be able to recall all of it the next day. I love sitting down on the couch for a movie and being awake through the whole thing. It is gratifying to be present, here and now, in each moment of my life without numbing out or unconsciously allowing my ego to get rolling about whatever. From a blood pressure perspective, I haven’t had a high reading since I quit drinking.
I am fortunate enough to have a friend who does healing work help me through the initial days of being alcohol free. I hadn’t spoken with her in years but something told me to reach out to her, and she respond whole heartedly. She “thought” that part of her “job” was to hold me accountable so that I wouldn’t drink, but I don’t think anyone who hasn’t been there understands that not drinking was not an obstacle for me. I was done. So done. What I wasn’t done with was the struggle with self-judgement and shame. What I needed help with was even realizing that I needed to forgive myself, and then to do that. What I needed help with was even realizing that I needed to love myself, and then to do that. And that is where my friend’s help was a gift of immeasurable proportion that I am still so grateful for to this day.
The Work:
From there, a lot of work still needed to be done – will always need to be done; that is just a given. Whether you want to call it attitudinal fitness, psychological fitness, or spiritual fitness – it’s no different than physical fitness; you have to “do the work” every day. I have benefited immensely from prayer and meditation and I think if I had to nail everything I’ve learned up to this point down to a simple statement, it would be that being present, in this moment, is the portal to peace. I’ve realized that “the kingdom of God” in Christian terminology is not something “out there in the future”, that it’s this moment; being aware of and in the presence of God. I’ve learned SO MUCH about learning to accept all aspects of ourselves unconditionally from Pema Chodron. I’ve also learned a lot from her about extending loving kindness, compassion, joy, and equanimity to all beings; no exceptions. She’s taught me about having a fearless heart, and looking honestly and bravely at all the “stuff” that makes us flawed and difficult human beings; and being able to just abide in the reality of all of that without forming judgements or storylines around it. Grace isn’t just acceptance; grace is the acceptance of being accepted.
I’ve learned about the power of now from Eckhart Tolle, and although I’ve read/listened to his stuff many times before, one day, his teachings really resonated with me and they all started to make sense. Every moment is the best moment when you’re present for it.
I’ve learned about meditation from Deepak Chopra and I have participated in his free 21-day meditation experiences multiple times; purchasing some of my favorites. I’ve participated in his primordial sound meditation program which is similar to transcendental meditation.
I’ve learned to trust in the universal truth that “is” regardless of all of religious and political dogma, doctrine, and exclusivity that is continuously creating division and suffering in the world. The mind is a awesome servant…… and a nightmare of a master. Anytime I’m feeling un-ease, it’s because I’m either replaying tapes from the past or thinking about the future. When I come back to the present moment, my life is much more peaceful and balanced. Quitting alcohol has brought me much more clearly and authentically into the truth of just being. From a life transformed perspective, quitting drinking was one of the kindest things I ever did for myself, for those I love, and for those who love me.
